It Never Subsides...
Somehow once again I am feeling hopeless for one reason. Myself. I put myself in harms way, I put my heart out and it gets broken. I only have myself to blame, but the feelings of brokeness, hurt and jealousy are of my own. I've been reading Corithians lately and I;ve been highlighting things that will help me with my relationship with God in my new Study Bible, which I am very proud of. But even though I study and feel close to God, my own issues get in the way. As I am trying to build my relationship, human, stupid issues come in the way. For a great example, actually the problem which I have is that I'm always being replaced by one girl. I was replaced by her with 2 of the 3 most important people to me. As a lover and as a best friend. Am I being irrational? Yes. Can I help it? No, trust me I wish I could. I can't blame her for my short-comings, but do I? Yes. Somehow she can be my scapegoat against my own problems. Yet every time I think about her, I become angry for what she took from me (for what I lost).
I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish that I could be a better person. I'm trying so hard but I'm slipping so fast. Everything I'm working towards, slips away because of my own anger. Should I be angry with him for picking her over me? No, but it hurts. Am I angry my friend chose her over me? No, but I keep feeling as though if someone is sick of me, they can just replace me with her. It seems so.
With my feelings of anger and such I become self-destructive. I proudly threw away my razor (which was used for cutting) about a month ago, but these feelings make me regret that I did so. And I do judge myself harshly for those thoughts. I feel weak, stupid, and that I'm not worth it which just increase the feelings. It is the worst cycle. Somehow me thinking of how I was replaced is the only thing that has come between me and my relationship with God. It makes me forget that I am worth something, even though I am worth so much because I have been saved by God's grace. Maybe it's just the jealousy that she has everything I want and that I did have before I learned, but maybe I'm jealous because she is a better person than I am.
If things continue how they have been, I will be leaving for the summer, and I might be moving after high-school to North Carolina.
If that's what I have to do to save my relationship with God and make it stronger, so be it, it is worth it. Trust me, I love everyone around here, but God will always come first. My heart's been broken, and it's so hard but I have to give it up to God to fix. It's hard and I'm trying I just hope I can. Please pray for me. I really need it more than ever.
Godbless
Sometimes...
Is it possible that jealous feelings come from a broken heart. I've felt that lately. Disappointment too. Somehow a lot of things I care about are leaving me. Maybe its a good thing, I know that I have to move forward but it's hard to let go. Its really hard. From now on I do have a set choice on what to do. Which youth groups to go to, what days I have therapy, who to trust, who will let me down. Its all set for right now. The coldness I feel from others is hard. Its hard for me because I think "God loves me for who I am, he made me who I am. Why can't others see that? Why do they look at my imperfections instead of the beautiful person He made me to be? He wanted me to look this way, talk this way, even laugh the way I do. Why can't they just love me for me?" I fully believe that God chose how I am to be. I've done a lot of things I regret, but I've learned from them. I don't plan on making those mistakes again. I don't need the hurt again, because it hurts the same as before. I just want to be loved for who I am, as a sister in christ, as a friend, as a person and maybe someday as a wife. Thats what I want... Love me for at least a person of God.
For the last two days I've been reading Romans. I've gotten to about Roman's 15:7 at school. In my Bible as a title "Marks of the True Christian" or Roman's 12:9-21.
"9 Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is food; 10 love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. 11 Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord. 12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. 13 contribute to the needs of saints; extend hospitality to strangers. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly; do not claim to be wiser than you are. 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. 18 If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peacably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave room for the wrath of God; for it is written, "Vengeace is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." 20 No, "if your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
That was one thing that I read also Romans 14:13
13... But resolve instead never to put a stubling block or hindrance in the way of another.
I unknowingly did that once with someone I cared about. I resolve to never do that again. Like previously posted, one of the most important things to me to find in a guy is that their relationship with God comes first. God is love. I never want to be the 'thing or object' that gets in their way again and I won't be. I will no longer feel the guilt or shame of that again. It leaves me now... As it should have months ago.
Godbless
Sorry...
Yeah, I haven't been here all too much. I have a lot of stuff going on between family, therapy, and trying to enable my belief in God into everything I do. I had a talk with my friend Will yesterday and we talked about some personal stuff which will not be resaid, but we came to the conclusion it makes all the difference in the world to live for God. True. And by reading "Every Young Woman's Battle" I know that any guy I meet, their relationship with Christ is the most important. I know that if somehow I became in the middle of that I wouldn't be able to forgive myself entirely. No matter what God should always come first and I don't plan on anyone ever taking that place again. I learned a lot from that book. How to help my brothers-in-Christ and how to help myself and protect my heart. I had no idea that romance novels were that bad, I didn't know how much visual things effected guys. I didn't know how broken my heart still was after everything. I do now realize that I know how to have a healthy, long lasting relationship with a Christian brother. Trust me it is hard. I've been trying to train my mind and my thoughts from anything sexual, even though I'm a girl, stuff like that pops into your head. Especially when crude jokes follow you everywhere. I have done things I'm not proud of but I will NOT let that hold me back from my relationship with Christ. I learned how much I needed to protect my heart to allow God to be in it. I can't just give it to anyone, I don't want to. I want to be with someone who will respect that. Who will never want or expect me to put them first and will honor my relationship with Christ. It will not come second. It will never come second. This morning I read about 6 chapters of Romans, underlining and highlighting things that can help me. I'm being "pro-active" in my faith also. Making sure that there will be nothing to deture it. I've bought some other Christian books that will help me too. Help me learn to become like Christ, someone that God would be proud of even though He love me unconditionally. It's an amazing feeling. I've cut down on swearing, I've been trying to dress more modestly so I will not hurt a brother in Christ, and I've been training my mind hard. I am leaving my life of sin because I want to. Of course I will sin and make mistakes but I won't intentionally anylonger. I hope that everyone will help keep me accountable in this because I do need it too. And yeah, the whole "pink" thing earlier, yeah I thought it just needed to be brighter lol.
Godbless
Again
Another deleted blog and a new beginning.
