It Never Subsides...
Somehow once again I am feeling hopeless for one reason. Myself. I put myself in harms way, I put my heart out and it gets broken. I only have myself to blame, but the feelings of brokeness, hurt and jealousy are of my own. I've been reading Corithians lately and I;ve been highlighting things that will help me with my relationship with God in my new Study Bible, which I am very proud of. But even though I study and feel close to God, my own issues get in the way. As I am trying to build my relationship, human, stupid issues come in the way. For a great example, actually the problem which I have is that I'm always being replaced by one girl. I was replaced by her with 2 of the 3 most important people to me. As a lover and as a best friend. Am I being irrational? Yes. Can I help it? No, trust me I wish I could. I can't blame her for my short-comings, but do I? Yes. Somehow she can be my scapegoat against my own problems. Yet every time I think about her, I become angry for what she took from me (for what I lost).I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish that I could be a better person. I'm trying so hard but I'm slipping so fast. Everything I'm working towards, slips away because of my own anger. Should I be angry with him for picking her over me? No, but it hurts. Am I angry my friend chose her over me? No, but I keep feeling as though if someone is sick of me, they can just replace me with her. It seems so.
With my feelings of anger and such I become self-destructive. I proudly threw away my razor (which was used for cutting) about a month ago, but these feelings make me regret that I did so. And I do judge myself harshly for those thoughts. I feel weak, stupid, and that I'm not worth it which just increase the feelings. It is the worst cycle. Somehow me thinking of how I was replaced is the only thing that has come between me and my relationship with God. It makes me forget that I am worth something, even though I am worth so much because I have been saved by God's grace. Maybe it's just the jealousy that she has everything I want and that I did have before I learned, but maybe I'm jealous because she is a better person than I am.
If things continue how they have been, I will be leaving for the summer, and I might be moving after high-school to North Carolina.
If that's what I have to do to save my relationship with God and make it stronger, so be it, it is worth it. Trust me, I love everyone around here, but God will always come first. My heart's been broken, and it's so hard but I have to give it up to God to fix. It's hard and I'm trying I just hope I can. Please pray for me. I really need it more than ever.
Godbless
posted by Courtney @ 2:56 PM
1 Comments:
It's not for anyone to judge who's a "better person". Maybe your struggles are on your sleeve, and maybe hers aren't; but if she's truly seeking God, she has her own issues.
I think you're right in realizing that it's not so much her that's bothering you, but your regrets. You need to realize that you're not the same person that you were, and God has promised to make you into something better: the image of Christ. And if you think it will help, maybe you could find out what you did wrong in each situation, and see if you're still doing it. If not, then you can move on.
I'm praying for you. Always seek the Person of Christ, not just His standard, and He will show you what you need to know.
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