The Silence

Sometimes...

Is it possible that jealous feelings come from a broken heart. I've felt that lately. Disappointment too. Somehow a lot of things I care about are leaving me. Maybe its a good thing, I know that I have to move forward but it's hard to let go. Its really hard. From now on I do have a set choice on what to do. Which youth groups to go to, what days I have therapy, who to trust, who will let me down. Its all set for right now. The coldness I feel from others is hard. Its hard for me because I think "God loves me for who I am, he made me who I am. Why can't others see that? Why do they look at my imperfections instead of the beautiful person He made me to be? He wanted me to look this way, talk this way, even laugh the way I do. Why can't they just love me for me?" I fully believe that God chose how I am to be. I've done a lot of things I regret, but I've learned from them. I don't plan on making those mistakes again. I don't need the hurt again, because it hurts the same as before. I just want to be loved for who I am, as a sister in christ, as a friend, as a person and maybe someday as a wife. Thats what I want... Love me for at least a person of God.

For the last two days I've been reading Romans. I've gotten to about Roman's 15:7 at school. In my Bible as a title "Marks of the True Christian" or Roman's 12:9-21.

"9 Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is food; 10 love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. 11 Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord. 12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. 13 contribute to the needs of saints; extend hospitality to strangers. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly; do not claim to be wiser than you are. 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. 18 If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peacably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave room for the wrath of God; for it is written, "Vengeace is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." 20 No, "if your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.


That was one thing that I read also Romans 14:13

13... But resolve instead never to put a stubling block or hindrance in the way of another.

I unknowingly did that once with someone I cared about. I resolve to never do that again. Like previously posted, one of the most important things to me to find in a guy is that their relationship with God comes first. God is love. I never want to be the 'thing or object' that gets in their way again and I won't be. I will no longer feel the guilt or shame of that again. It leaves me now... As it should have months ago.

Godbless

posted by Courtney @ 10:39 AM