Black holes and Revelations
It sucks how incomplete I feel... I don't want to see or talk to anyone that I don't have a good relationships with... I'm tired of stupid people and I'm tired of dealing with people that I feel really don't care.. I don't believe my mother anymore when she says she's sorry. I just can't I won't. I'm tired of being lied to. I don't want to talk to my therapist today, but alas my mother is making me. I feel like all people are doing is lying to me, except for a few friends. I can be civil but I don't want to hear lies.. I'm tired, I'm done, and I don't really give a shit about anything right now except those few people.
I don't like being grounded when what I was being punished for I've improved. I had to miss my prom, and whenever my mom says she's sorry that I had to miss it... she never sounds sorry... not once. The day she cried wasn't out of being sorry for me. It's because she was embarassed of me. I know grades matter but I don't know anyone who had three F's and got EVERYTHING a C or higher. Not a single D nor F.. and she's still not sorry.
I'm just fed up. I want to go back to North Point... It's the second youth group that I've actually felt a part of. Before they chose someone else over me... I know they didn't but it still felt that way. Now I just want a positive place.. Along with Beach Community, it's the only church I've really felt I belong. Idk, I just miss all my friends.
Favorite things
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
Doorbells and sleighbells
And schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wingsT
hese are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winter that melts into spring
These are a few of my favorite things
When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel...so bad
Wouldn't it be nice to get a kitten that could make the world smile... Although the next animal I want is a puggle (pug beagel mix) I guess they get a lot of them at the Save Harbor Animal Shelter.... I'd like to save something. I just feel like I need a purpose again. I don't do anything worth noting but I would just love to help someone and do something to change something horrible for anyone... It doesn't have to be "world changing" like a cure for cancer or fighting AIDS but I want to do something to help...
Any Ideas?
When one door closes... another opens
I've known for a long time that friends will always stand by you...
And that they have.
I've had the greatest friends anyone could ask for.
They are there for me always and always offer words of encouragement when I'm down...
I thank God for them all the time, and I'm glad He's put them in my life
^-^
[dances]
I'm very happy right now, but also a little sad...
I didn't have the greatest day yesterday and my mommy went out of town and I just wanted a hug....
I miss her and it's only been a day!
^-^
"Wishing you were somehow here again."
I haven't been feeling very well lately...
Yesterday I went to therapy and found out that DCFS is going to presue my father in a civil trial.
It is a good thing but I'm just worried about my grandmother and how she's going to take it and if she even knows...
I'm happy for it but part of me just doesn't care...
I haven't cared about much for a while........
I had an odd dream last night I would indulge in but it would take to long and the biology class is oh so captivating... right
Why do I feel this way?
Why is it necessary...
I prayed for a long time last night... Asking to be healed and asking for God to break down the walls that I have built.
It felt good.
Today felt not so good, because I've been hurting in emotional ways and physical ways... and I just want all the hurt and pain to go away.
Yet it's still here, I only have myself to blame and no one else.
I don't know how to fix it and I thought I let it go but apparently I haven't. I want to but I don't know what I'm holding on to.
I'm happy with many aspects of my life, but again I feel incomplete. I've felt the absence of God before because I've pushed him away but I don't know why... It's not intentional and I want Him here.
So why am I pushing Him away?
Makes no sense to me...Not much does anymore
"Like amazing and a half!"
Somehow I've gotten into a better mood... Yay
But also maybe because we finished the activity in my Adventure Education class which is totally the "bomb-diggity"
And enough said I am feeling better, although still in pain.
(Must've slept wrong because it feels really really bad.)
Yea... I'm in a festivaly colorful mood :)
And my teacher is trying to "teach" me about genetics although I already know the basics.
Yeah, Mr. Wolfe totally blew up at 2 of my classmates today... It was so funny.
I'm so sleepy.... sleep
So yeah, I don't have too much to say right now
Ok...
I've had so many songs stuck in my head and from those songs I've had many mixed emotions. Like "Inevitable" breaks my heart because I want that. Where "The Sweet Escape" makes me want to dance [dances!]
I feel all mixed up just by listening to songs.
"Fedility" by Regina Specktor is odd yet amazing which makes you want to have a romantic experience with someone you love
but "Samson" makes you want to cry with the line you are my sweetest downfall because it seems to be oh so true
I have had a sweetest downfall... But the downfall they caused was not so sweet.
I fell for someone taken, then someone else, then another oh so sweet downfall...
"Falling for someone is fine, just make sure they're there to catch you and hold on"
I said that to my bestie before...
I should really follow my own advice sometimes
Ooh.... Frustration
So not only have I been frustrated near to the end of my whits, and the only thing to calm me down so far is Norah Jones and Josh Groban. I'm frustrated with being here right now and not being able to go anywhere for Spring Break.
My mommy will be going to California some time tomorrow.
Without me...
I'm frustrated with Myself, school, definately my teachers, but I'm just frustrated with myself...
And being alone
I'm hearing all these wonderful love songs and I have no one to share them with
"Do you remember when we were just kids
And cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss
Schoolyard conversations taken to heart
And laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not
I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey,
is it over now
I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss
Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the ones, the only ones we really love
I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey,
is it over now
I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss
Is it over now hey, it's over now
Is it over how hey,
it's not over nowI wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have (that you'll ever have)
I wanna be your last, first love (that you'll ever have)
Till you're lying here beside me with arms and eyes open wide
I wanna be your last, first kiss for all time"
I would love to share this with someone...
Yet for some reason I always pick the wrong ones to share myself with
I always put my heart ahead of sensiblity, and get it broken
It's been broken too many times.
I'm tired of being hurt and hurting myself.
I no longer inflict physical pain to myself, I haven't since November, which is good for me.
It seems like I've replaced it with emotional pain,
Putting myself in situations which I regret and hurting myself by trusting the untrustworthy...
I've made many mistakes,
And know what I need to change, so I've been trying
I just want to be as close to God as I had been, but I can't go to youth group right now and I don't feel as spiritual as I wish I was.
God is my everything, but am I not here for Him?
Am I?
If I'm not close to Him it must be my fault.
Just another disappointment to myself.
But I'm looking past that because God loves me, and that I know
I need to show myself that respect, and make good choices.
I might be attending a benifit to help a cause I want to be a part of
Wish me luck!
Boston
In the light of the sun,
Is there anyone?
Oh it has begun.
Oh dear, you look so lost,
eyes are red
and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed.
You said,
You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.
yeah.
Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field,
When flowers gaze at you,
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
You said,
You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.
She said I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.
I think I'll go to Boston.
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of Sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.
You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
Boston, where no one knows my name
where no one knows my name
where no one knows my name
Boston, where no one knows my name.
Doesn't it seem so appealing to just go somewhere "where no one knows your name?" Isn't it something we all want at some point or another? To just run-away and not look back. I've been feeling that a little bit again lately. To just go away and not come back. Start over, where no one knows my past, my faults. I just want to go somewhere.
I'd love to go somewhere "Across an open field, When flowers gaze at you" Wouldn't it be nice to walk into an open meadow? To pick flowers and make a bouquet and keep it as a reminder of Spring, growth, and life? I wish I had one... I would love to be somewhere like that, in a long dress with my 2 best girl friends spinning about till we fall and look up and make shapes out of clouds... This is ideal
I'm so tired of, "Oh dear, you look so lost,eyes are red and tears are shed." Half the time I feel like when some members of my family look or think of me all they want to do is cry because they wish they could've spared me the pain that I have gone through.
And I don't know how many times I have shouted, "You don't know me, And you don't even care, You don't know me, And you don't wear my chains." It feels like that. How you can just shout and scream at someone trying to help. Yelling, "Why would you even care about me? You don't know me, and you have no IDEA what I've gone through." Sound familiar?
I guess I've just gotten used to saying that.
And on the topic of running off and starting over... why not?
Why not just run away and start over somewhere new? It sounds so appealing but is it really? Sure you'll make new friends, have a new place to live, and you might even be happy, but you can't replace your family. Sure you can get married and join a new one but there is nothing like your own. And no matter what, whether your parents were the "Jones,'" or the abusive, drunken type, they helped shape you. They can also just be the average people who don't need to be the most fashionable people on the street, the nice, sweet, family-next-door. You know... the one with the dog in the back yard, the 2 car garage, and the porch with the little fence.
Isn't that in some ways ideal?
Thinking of the people who just crave to be normal and from a normal family... Well, everyone thinks their family is crazy!!! No family is normal! We all have the odd uncle's, the grandma's who always buy you things because they're happy to see you, the grandpa's who take you out for hot chocolate and bring in icicles in the winter, and the aunt who always allows you to run a little wild :) And the baby cousin's, who's smile makes your heart melt...And the parent's who try get you to smile after a hard day.
I've wanted to run away and start a new life where no one know's my name, to have that ideal life.. Well, I don't have the ideal everything right now, but I guess I do have the ideal family.
I guess after everything... all the wrong choice's I haven't made. All the good choice's I have. I'm glad for what I've done. I mean everyone has a moment where they want to be adventurous... "To get a lover and fly the out to Spain," to start somewhere new, where you're the cool stranger without a past. To go and watch the sunrise in the morning at the Harbor Marina with a good friend. The people in my life have made me so happy. And the one's who took some happiness... well, just a life experience. Nothing to dwell on.
We all want to start over at some point and time in our lives. Like "If only I could do this over." But that would not make us who we are supposed to be.
Boston is a little place in all of us. But we can't all just run away. And we can't just start over somewhere new. Moving somewhere doesn't always envoke change, but staying in a place where things can be rough can... It will show the true character in a person. We can all focus on the meadows and the sunrises instead of the chains and sunsets. And we can make the most out of our lives...
...grrs and giggles
Well, thanks my sweeties for making me feel better about what happened... I've forgiven myself for what happened, thats what usually takes the longest. I've said my sorries and apologized for my actions. I feel good about it now...
A bad thing however is that I'm grounded for 3 weeks... Grades and such....
So... yeah I had my phone taken away so I'm sorry if I missed your calls.
Yeah... I'm falling rather fast for someone I care about a lot. Happy, Sad... yeah both a little but it comes with the territory. I just hope that he cares as much as I do, because he does like me but I'm not sure if my age has been putting him off... I do want to go to prom with him and hopefully Military Ball...
Ok... I just had MAJOR De ja Voo
Yeah... we're learning about cancer... Stupid sub...
Well... not much else going on right now besides my feelings and emotions are going haywire... It's horrible... Up, down, up, down. Like I'm sailing the ocean on a raft. Although I feel like I'm starting to sink a little and it scares me.
But I guess I just have to talk to my doctor and get this all sorted out...
Yesterday sucked a lot...
I couldn't find Matt to get a ride home and my mommy didn't want to pick me up so I started walking home... Yeah. The about half way down the road, theres my mommy :) She came and got me. Earlier that day, my friend Sam and her boyfriend got into a fight and she was crying.... I almost started crying too..
It's hard but I know I need to get through it so wish me luck!!!
